Welcome to Carpe Kairos!
I never thought it would happen to me until it did. Little did I think my marriage would ever fall apart much less sixteen years in. By then I had grown comfortable, just assumed we were destined to grow old together as we vowed. We had our issues but my expectation was that we would work them out – together.
The breakdown of my marriage took me by storm. I was blindsided. My mom gave me the name she did, intentional spelling and all, because she said I kicked hard in the womb like a gale force wind. I always liked that, the thought of being a force to be reckoned with.
All my life I had been a force – a fighter, a strategic thinker, a problem solver, an advocate. For the first time I found myself in unfamiliar territory – unimaginable, unbearable pain I could not control, thoughts I could not shut off or redirect, will to fight I could not seem to muster. I fell apart.
Finding myself alone left me to, well, find myself. I had been coupled for so long, the greater part of my life in fact, that I had no idea how to function in the world as a single party. I knew I had to find a way – I have a son who needs me to be whole I told myself.
The pain, loss and grief pushed me into a deep hole and in trying to find a way out I turned to the internet…and therapy. I was surprised to discover I wasn’t alone. There were many other people facing divorce feeling just as fucked up as I was!
Slightly ashamed to admit that misery did appreciate company, it was comforting to be reassured that the special kind of hell I was experiencing wasn’t unique to me. Prior to my personal experience, I knew divorced people. I witnessed ugly exchanges and courtroom battles. The inner turmoil one experiences, however, eluded me. I underestimated.
My painful journey led me to realize that divorce, a seemingly adverse event, could be an opportune moment in disguise. Through prayer, lots of prayer, internet searches, lots of internet searches and therapy, lots of therapy sessions I began to come around. I stopped trying to control the pain and, following some seemingly crazy advice, embraced that bitch! I can call her that, lovingly, because we went through some things. I learned helpful techniques such as go no contact (Google it!), started to believe things could actually get better and followed breadcrumbs left by the brokenhearted along the path to the mythical other side.
I received a tangible gift from a friend. Though not specifically for divorce and given as a belated Mother’s Day present, the message shone through - I know you’re going through something but remember you’re strong enough to get through this. I treasured that – the gift and the unspoken message.
So I think everyone going through a divorce, whether they said I’m done or their spouse made the decision, should get a gift that says I know you’re going through something but remember you’re strong enough to get through this. And since this gift is specific to divorce, it also says be kind to yourself, it’s okay to fall apart, I’m here for you, have a good cry, fuck that motherfucker, enough of this shit already and so on and so forth.
Going through a divorce? Gift yourself. Know someone going through a divorce? Give them a gift specific to their circumstance. Representing someone getting divorced? Show them you recognize there’s more to the divorce process than litigation.
Divorce is not the end. A new chapter exists and the sooner you start doing the work the sooner it will emerge. So get going on the path to healing and don’t forget to pick up your DANCE tool kit!
Gale C. Logan
Founder, Carpe Kairos